Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
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I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden: