Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
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Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Breaking news:
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”