Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
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back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it