just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
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Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
This kid will have a bright future.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.