Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
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He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”