Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
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THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.