Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
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if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
My stupid belt shrunk again today.