Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
You Might Also Like
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.