Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
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Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
i think we should see other cousins
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream