Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
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I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.