Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
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(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Need WebMD
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage