just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant

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4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.

Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?

4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.


Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is

Wife: That’s the Olympics


Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.

That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.


No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.


I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.


The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80


A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.