just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
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Kermit goes Blue.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.