@KimmyMonte

just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant

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@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.

Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?

4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.

@PoodleSnarf

Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is

Wife: That’s the Olympics

@chrisdowning

Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.

That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.

@justabloodygame

No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.

@fightforfood

I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.

@isabelzawtun

The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80

@SteveKoehler22

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.