Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
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“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
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My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake