Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
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Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Yup
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”