Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of

When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.

I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.

Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long

Hedgehog: no

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.

Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN

Phone

Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first

Person: How…

Me: I don’t want to talk about it

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there

People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.

“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.

WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.

Neighbor: This is my nephew.

Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years

Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.

One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning

I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.

[6 AM]

Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.

[morning bus drives by]

Child: What’s for breakfast?

Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.

It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.

me: what kind of dog is that?

him: husky

me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?

The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time

1.

Essential oils? You mean WD40?

Batman trying to get some sleep during the day

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No