Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
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I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
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(2022)
