Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
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“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
man i love columbo
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
This kid will have a bright future.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare