Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
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We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”