Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.

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i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”


I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.


I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.


4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.

Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?

4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.


Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.


[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”