Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
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i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
sugar glider wrangler
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL