Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
You Might Also Like
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
These aliens are taking forever.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.