Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
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my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
What do you hear?
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him