Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47

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If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.


Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.

Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.


*stares into distance*

Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.


“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”

Timmy: stupid?



Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.


Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time


BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*


Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.


I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?