@sageboggs
@MoistPork If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
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@MoistPork 
@BoomBoomBetty Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
@dafloydsta *stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
@cookie_mumbles who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
@SteveSuckington “Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
@Robinbuble Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
@meladoodle Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
@truegritrumble BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
@donni Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
@TheRolo I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?