Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
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When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.