Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
You Might Also Like
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.