Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
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It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class