Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
You Might Also Like
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
That’s incredible! 👌
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.