Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
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I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Just this preview of the story is enough
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers