Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
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My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!