Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
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Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?