Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
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The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.