@VerifiedDrunk

Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.

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@OtherDanOBrien

MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers

@pro_worrier_

Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.

@daemonic3

Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?

“I don’t know, how would I know?”

GF: I’m pregnant!

“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”

@StockSwaff

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.

@daemonic3

FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes

ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!

@Jake_Vig

Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.

@IanDouglasTerry

Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.

@CulturedRuffian

Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.

@smiles_and_nods

Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?

Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.