@VerifiedDrunk
@OtherDanOBrien MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
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@OtherDanOBrien 
@pro_worrier_ Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
@daemonic3 Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
@StockSwaff Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
@daemonic3 FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
@Jake_Vig Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
@IanDouglasTerry Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
@CulturedRuffian Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
@smiles_and_nods Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
@CherylCheryl94 When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.