just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
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She was rare, like a goth jogging
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body