Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
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Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there