Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
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When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
#parenting
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.