Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

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I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”


wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though


How To Avoid Dating

●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.


I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still


You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.


The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.


Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.


HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…a raise?

HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?

Me: I’d like to report a hacking!


[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)


My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.