Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
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I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
I bet birds love this building.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?