Just say no
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CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Heroic Misunderstanding
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one