Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
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[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”