“just sayin” who asked you though?
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Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Nose
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away