Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
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Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
my dog when i have a friend over
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.