Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
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Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Have a lovely day 😊
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.