Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.

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A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.

Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.


What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?


*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*

Co-worker: omg what happened

Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged


Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you

Me: Where was he?

Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car

Me *impressed* he really went for it


The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.


My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.


Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..


Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji


He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.