Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says

Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are

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Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”


Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.


“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”

“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”


*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask


Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”


I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.


Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles


Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.


things to call your girlfriend:
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min


DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*