Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”
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I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now