Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
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4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.