@acony_belle

just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”

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@dyldonot

Cannibals don’t drink coffee.

They have a cup of Joe instead.

@NatashaNat24

The body is 70% water..

So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..

@Lazor2828

Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.

@texasstalkermom

You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?

@EllaZee5

God: let there be light!

vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now

@werehedgehog

In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.

@david8hughes

[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out

@Contwixt

You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.

@broken_rhi

I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.