just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”

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Cannibals don’t drink coffee.

They have a cup of Joe instead.


The body is 70% water..

So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..


Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.


You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?


God: let there be light!

vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now


In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.


[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out


You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.


I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.