just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
You Might Also Like
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
I’m listening
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’