@acony_belle
@dyldonot Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
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@dyldonot 
@NatashaNat24 The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
@ShortSleeveSuit ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
@Lazor2828 Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
@texasstalkermom You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
@EllaZee5 God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
@werehedgehog In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
@david8hughes [planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
@Contwixt You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
@broken_rhi I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.