If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
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OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control
“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*
DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.