Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
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Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Come back with a warrant
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.