Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.

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If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.


[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control

“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*



Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.


Gave myself a steam facial* today

*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face


My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out


Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.


My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.


Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like