Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
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Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Name this drama.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Good morning!
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.