Just so funny
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How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.