Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
You Might Also Like
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool