Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
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“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Can confirm.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Perfection.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Lost and found pet FB pages
I found this dog in my yard, who does he belong to?? People like this don’t deserve to have pets. This owner should be locked up. What kind of MONSTER would do this???
*update – owner found, lives 3 houses down, leash broke and he ran. All good.