If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
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Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
I’m crying im so happy for them
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?