“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
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I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.