“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.

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Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.


Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up


Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-

Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*


My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”


ant-man: im here to stop u

bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]

ant-man: motherf


Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.


[Mother’s Day text to my wife]

Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?