Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
You Might Also Like
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.