Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
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This kid is going places
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.